Raising Mal-Adjusted Kids in 6 Easy Steps!

Would you like to learn the secrets for raising negative, emotionally unstable children? Would you like to learn how to raise children who grow up to be angry, jealous, judgmental and bitter adults? Would you like to learn how to destroy your kid’s self-esteem so they start drinking and doing drugs at the earliest age possible? Are you interested in turning siblings against each other so they grow up envious and distrustful of one another?

If you’re like most parents the answer is, “NO!” However, I’ve recently been exposed to some horrific parents who should not have been allowed to pro-create. The amount of emotional baggage and lack of maturity in these people make them unfit to be parents. How can an adult who stopped growing emotionally at the age of 12, be expected to raise emotionally stable children?

The truth is that anyone can give you “good” parenting advice, but what can you learn from that? In order to really create mal-adjusted kids, you need to put yourself in the shoes of the parents who know the least and whose intentions are at best misguided and at worst, toxic. They can teach you things you never would have thought of yourself. So, if you’re interested in raising real losers, apply the following 6 steps with as much consistency as possible.

Step 1. DISRESPECT YOUR SPOUSE! – Fight and argue with your spouse as often as possible. Be sure your kids witness these outbursts. Disrespect each other as often as possible. Call your spouse terrible names, slander him or her, and put him or her down loud enough so your kids can hear it anywhere in the house. Remember your kids will listen. If you really want to screw with your child’s mind, tell your child what a loser the other parent is at every opportunity. These simple, easy to follow steps can put you on the fast track towards raising angry, sullen and disrespectful kids. Remember your child will tend to treat his or her spouse the same way you treat yours. If you follow these instructions to the letter, not only will you put your kids on a path to self-destruction, but you can screw up your future grandchildren and future generations as well.

Step 2. DISAPPROVE! – Never hesitate to insult, criticize, disapprove and belittle your children. To create lasting damage you must start when they are very young. Constantly tell them: “You’re stupid!” “You’re a loser!” “You’ll never amount to anything!” “You’re trash!” “You look horrible!” You can quickly destroy their self-image by telling them that they are fat or ugly. For added destruction constantly compare them to a model in a magazine or television show. Be sure your disapprovals are cloaked with as much anger, contempt, sarcasm and disgust as possible. Sadly, your off the wall emotions will quickly reveal that “you” are an emotionally disturbed toxic parent, but hopefully your child will never catch on. It is critical that your kids never learn how messed-up “you” actually are. You must constantly turn it around and place the guilt, shame and self-loathing back on them. Remember “smother-love” (overprotecting, overindulging and defending them when they need to accept responsibility for their actions) is more destructive than “mother-love” (acceptance, kindness, support and praise).

Step 3. GOSSIP! – As your kids listen, spread as much negative gossip about your family and neighbors as possible. Trashing your family members and neighbors is a fantastic skill to develop and instill in your kids. This will insure that your child becomes a highly judgmental human being. If you have nothing nasty to say, simply make something up-just be sure your kids hear it.

Step 4. LIE! – Allow your kids to catch you telling a lie and then deny it. This is a very important step. You can never truly screw your kids up unless you become an expert at “lie & deny.” Lie to your kids and spouse as often as you can. Learn to use the phrase, “I never said that!” Become a master at “cover-ups” and covering your tracks. Never admit fault or wrong-doing. Most of all use lies to cover-up lies. This will help your children not to feel guilty when they don’t own up to their own mistakes nor take responsibility for their own behavior.

Step 5. BUY THEM OFF! – Replace love with material things! This may be the most important step of all. Since some parents don’t love themselves, it’s very difficult for them to give love or show compassion. You can’t give love to someone else when you don’t have any for yourself. The secret is to buy your kids off! Replace love with bribes and material possessions. The more outrageous their demands the more they should be met. Your kids will love this part because they won’t realize until they get older that your love was “store-bought.” And by that time it’s too late-the damage has already been done! Remember, if you’re ever tempted to give any love or compassion to your kids, quickly retreat and buy them an iPod or a trip to Europe.

Step 6. BE THEIR FRIEND! – I recently heard a parent say, “All teens drink and smoke pot, what can I do? I’ll let mine do the same, so they fit in with the crowd.” I wholeheartedly agree with this very enlightened parent. Let your kids do whatever they want without boundaries. If your neighbor’s kids drink, allow your kids to do the same. All kids do it, right? If a school mate smokes pot to relax, don’t teach your child there’s a better way. Instead, cop out and show them where to buy this drug. With any luck they may eventually get hooked on stronger narcotics. I also believe you should smoke, do drugs and fall down sloppy drunk while your kids watch. After all, what’s your goal; to raise a self-fulfilled winner or a mediocre, second-rate loser? More importantly, as you continue to promote their unsafe drug, booze and sex habits, insist they do it at home under your watchful eye where it is safe!

THAT’S ENOUGH! Let’s get real. Every example I used above is authentic, and I’ve sadly witnessed hundreds more. There is only one way to raise a child who has the best chance to attain his or her full potential–do the complete opposite of everything I have written here.

As parents, we have a tremendous amount of affirmative power and an inalienable obligation to promote our child’s positive development. Too often inappropriate parenting can cause a child to feel abandoned even though he or she is still living at home with parents. Our children are a reflection of who we are and our own works of art. Let’s teach them that they are masterpieces. This is a major step in “enlightened parenting.” We can change our world by releasing into it—emotionally stable kids.